A year ago I overheard two of my friends, two people I trusted and held close to my heart say something about me. We had previously gotten into a huge argument and I overheard them say “What kind of Christian is that? Who does that? It must take a really really insecure person to do that and that’s just sad”.
Those words hurt. I’m not gonna lie. They stung deeply. To have words of death spoken over you by people you trusted is a fate I wouldn’t wish upon anyone, not even my greatest enemy. And to be told that by both a Christian and a non-believer, by people who were supposed to be my friends? I began to wonder, what does that say about me? About my walk with Christ? About my faith?
Then the seeds of those words began to grow. I began to see myself through their eyes. I asked myself, how can God use me? I can’t do what God has called me to do. I’m not good enough. I’m not wise enough. God can’t use me. I’m broken, lost, hurt, scared, fearful. I’m not a leader. I’m not capable to bring God’s light, hope, and love into the world. I’m not worth it. To this day I am still haunted by those words. Those phrases that told me “I’m Not Qualified”.
Then I saw this video.
And that made me think, maybe its time for me to start pulling out those weeds. God used people in the Bible who were broken to reach the broken. He used the imperfect to reach the imperfect. He used those who leaned on Him to bring glory to His name. He used ordinary people to do extraordinary things.
Maybe it’s time for me to stop trying to be perfect and instead to try to be obedient. To surrender my unrealistic goals to be without fault and instead understand that beauty is in the broken. That my struggles and trials can be testimonies of God’s grace and faithfulness and it can bring hope to others. That maybe, just maybe, God can use my brokenness and healing to glorify His name. Because in the end it was never supposed to be about being “perfect” or “without fault”. In the end it was never supposed to be about me. In the end, it’s about God.
So here I go. I’ll say it. I’m not perfect. I don’t feel worthy. I feel broken and lost. I’ve made mistakes that I regret, that I wish I could take back.
But I can be used. I can be healed. I can grow. Being a Christian isn’t about being perfect. Jesus didn’t die on the cross to save the perfect. He died on the cross to save and reach the broken and lost.
I feel not qualified. But I guess that’s great. Because “not qualified is where God starts”.